This just makes me sad. I really envy girls who get to do that. I don't even know why I tried to ask or bring it up. Because I knew exactly what would be said. From the beginning I've always been the suffer in silence kind of person. In recent years that has changed, but I think some things are still better kept to myself. It's for the exact same reasons as the past. Voicing things out didn't get me what I wished, didn't solve anything, only brought me the disappointment I knew I'd get. It's much simpler if I kept it to myself, feel sad and disappointed on my own, and get over it until the next time the situation surfaces. At least I wouldn't have to face the reality of the disappointment if it's just in head. I will smile like I always do.

I think when it comes to relationships it's so easy to complain when things don't go well, but we always forget to be thankful for the happy moments. Since B's been away for twelve days, well it's not twelve days yet he'll be back on Sunday night, I've been missing him a lot. I feel really thankful for our relationship and our love for each other because I hear of relationships around me or even on social media, and somehow they make me realise just how blessed I am for B and what we have. It's very easy to give up on someone or a relationship. After all it's human instinct to get away when things don't look good. But nobody is perfect, there's never going to be someone who's completely perfect. It is hard to find someone who loves you the way you want to be loved, or who loves you more than that. I did and I am beyond thankful for that. It makes me feel sheepish saying all of this but I believe in counting my blessings. B and I don't have a perfect relationship because we're not perfect people. But when you can feel perfectly blissful in an imperfect place, you know it's where you're meant to be.

I feel awful. Physically, mentally, emotionally. At first when I started purging I didn't think it was a big deal. I don't even do it often, or so I think. Over the past two months I've probably only purged four times. But I feel that it's beginning to affect me more than I thought it would. Initially I just saw it as an easy release. I just ate too much at one go and I felt guilty, I didn't want all those calories in my body so that's what I did. I didn't think much of it. I always have the desire to eat, but I thought I was always like that so it wasn't a problem. But now I know it's not normal. And purging has caused me to lose interest in so many things. I feel awful, I don't like my body, I don't feel confident, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to step out of the house, I don't even feel like having sex. I didn't know why I suddenly felt that way. Until a few minutes ago when I googled purging and low sexual desires and apparently there really is a link. That explains everything I've been feeling for the past month. Now I feel even more awful. I'm starting to feel scared. I want to say I can control my appetite and I wanna say I can convince myself not to purge, but the last couple of times I tried I didn't succeed. Somehow I tell myself "It's okay, just do it. No big deal." Until now I've realized how much it's been affecting me physically that I'm scared. I'm scared because I don't know what to do. I'm not sick I don't have bulimia! I don't. I don't even do it regularly. So I'm not, right? I want to feel happy again. I want to feel normal. I don't like how I'm feeling recently. I just don't know what to do..