I hate myself when I have to stick my finger down my throat. It feels terrible and it makes me look like a mess with my eyes tearing, nose running and a sore jaw.
I don't do it very much, only when I binge snack which makes me feel horrible. I don't want to get fat.
I have a phobia of gaining weight. I know I'm not fat but somehow in my head I think my legs look fat.
Maybe they do. I'm just scared of being fat.
Somedays I binge eat. Today was one of them. I just couldn't stop eating. I ate so much. I just had to get it out of me or I'll think I'll get fat.
Why do I eat so much? I just want to be skinny. This depresses me.

Note to self: Seems like I've gone a bit too far tonight. I was about to go to bed so I went to the toilet and when I looked into the mirror, to my horror there are little red specks around my eyes! I thought they were because of my recent change in face wash and efforts in using a moisturizer every night, but after some googling it turns out those little red specks are broken blood vessels caused by the force of throwing up. I don't know whether or not to feel relieved that my skin is fine or to feel horrified that I did this to myself. Please stop. Oh dear. I'm going to get into so much trouble if B finds out :/ >.< :"(

It's 5am and I'm awake, dealing with myself.
I think best at night, but it's not always a good thing.

I don't talk about my feelings a lot. Even to B.
Maybe because nobody asks. I don't feel like anybody is interested to find out how I'm doing inside.
A lot of things make me happy. But a lot of things make me sad.
And when it comes to feelings, many people don't understand.
Happy things don't take the sad things away.
You can't just tell someone that her sadness is uncalled for when she has so many happy things in life.
Happy things are good. They make you smile, they make you feel blessed.
But one thing they don't do is take your sadness away.
It's not a war between happiness and sadness.
I think it's more like the sun and moon.
They both happen, they both make you feel different things.
But they don't outweigh each other. They just.. Exist.

It's April. And all my life there's only one thing I think about when April rolls around the corner.
My birthday. But this year, how I wish it wouldn't come.
I wish April hadn't come. I wish my birthday wouldn't come.
23 more days. What am I going to do?
I truly feel like nobody cares. I hide how I feel because I just can't face it.
I know there's no point expressing how I feel.
I already know what's going to be said to me. And all I can say it, none of it makes me feel better.
None of it will make me feel better. NONE.

Almost two weeks. Funny how emotions create different perspectives. 23 days seem really fast when you're dreading it. But almost two weeks seem like it's a terribly long time to have to go through.
Whenever I think of it I feel a little panic growing in my heart. I literally feel it physically.
I push it away everyday. But I know I can't run away from it.
As the day gets closer I feel all the more dreadful.

What's the point though? Nobody asks how I feel about it. Nobody wants to know.
Not even B. He's just avoiding it. I know. When the time comes he's just going to say that time will past really quickly, he'll text me, he'll call me, he'll see what he can buy for me.
Screw that. I don't want any of that. I'd rather he not leave and not get anything.
Again, none of that makes me feel better. So why do I bother pretending to accepting what he'll say? Why do I bother nodding and saying okay? Because it's easier that way, isn't it? Take it in, keep it in, at least one of us will be happy.
Is there a point in me showing how upset I am? He'll say why would you be like that when I'm about to go? I'm about to leave for almost two weeks and is this how you want me to leave when you're unhappy? It's all a lie, really. Even if I don't show it he knows it. He just doesn't care to know how bad it is.
At the end of the day it'll all get brushed aside. He'll happily go and I'll be here. Stuck with myself. Being upset. Nobody said life was fair. I can only keep it in.

I don't cry in front of my parents. A lot of the things they say and do hurt me. They don't do it intentionally. They just don't consider my feelings. I keep it all in too. I don't tell anyone about it. Only the person who caused a pain can fix that pain. That's what I've learned. You can't fix what someone else caused. You can only do your best to treat it. Treating isn't curing.

What happens to people who keep everything in and don't ever let it out? I don't ever blow up on my parents. I think that's a miracle on its own huh? I just keep telling myself, 'just get used to it.' The things is, I should have gotten used to it by now. But I'm not. Every single day it hurts. And every single day I give myself a pained smile and say, 'It's okay.' It's not okay. I know inside that it's not okay. I'm not okay. Nothing is okay.

As the days go by I just wonder. What happens to people like me? Really. What happens to people like me? I just want to lead an average life and be.. Less sad. I don't even dare to use the word 'happy' anymore. I would like to happy. But nobody is always happy. I just want to have nothing to have to keep in. I don't want to hide so many things inside. But I don't have a choice. I wish I had help. But nobody can. You can't fix what someone else broke.
Nobody said life was fair. But nobody said life was this unfair.

Why me? Am I the problem? Do I deserve all this? Perhaps I do. Why else would nobody care enough to help understand my feelings? Maybe I deserve to be like this. To secretly cry myself to sleep, wake up and tell myself, "It's okay" for another day and put on smiles for everyone?

Some nights, when I allow myself to, I cry.
When I'm alone and I cry, I don't have to be afraid anyone would see or hear me.
I'll let everything I've been keeping inside out, and cry and cry.
But no matter how much I cry, how hard I cry, how much tears I shed, the pain never goes away.
The pain is always there. Always reminding me cruelly of the emotionally hole in my heart.
In my heart I know, nobody and nothing can ever possibly make up for your absence.
Nothing takes the hurt away.

But crying makes me tired. Really tired. I'd always fall asleep right after, even though I'd be bothered by tons of snot and a blocked nose. And potentially a migraine.

Tonight I'm tired. Very snotty and I've got a migraine. But this pain in my heart, it just won't go away.

Sick of hearing about people going overseas.
Yes, yes you say that I was the one who chose not to go.
So what's the point in me saying anything? Nobody would understand.

I chose not to go because not only did I not want to leave Patchie behind,
But I also didnt want to leave him behind.

But now it seems like I'm the only one who cares to do that.
I don't want to leave anyone behind but everyone leaves ME behind.

Sick of hearing people plan for their trips. Sick of people yabbering on about how their trip went. Sick of hearing people tell me about where they're planning to go. Sick of hearing how excited they are. Sick of this shit.

I guess to everyone else my feelings are either insignificant or non-existent.

Two weeks. Hurray.

13 days.. 13 days is a long time to be left behind.
Everyone else gets to go somewhere and I'm just getting left behind here.
I don't even know why I'm sad. It's not like I'm scared or worried.
Maybe it's the thought that he could actually be happy somewhere without me that scares me..
Maybe it's because I don't get to go along.
Maybe this is just the feeling of getting left behind.
I don't really know. I'm just sad. Really sad.

Thinking about the future scares me.
Who knows what could happen when he starts school?
I didn't know what could happen when I started school years ago.
And yet this happened and the worst part of it all is I'm thankful this happened because I love B.
I'm so afraid of losing him to someone else.
If that happens I'll really get left behind.
Left behind in the past, left behind in memories, left behind in everything..
The fact that I see the world as a cruel place where unpredictable things happen that snatch my loved ones away is scary. Where is God in this?
It almost feels like this world relishes in the joy of taking things from people and sending misery straight into the depths of our hearts. Where is God in this?

I think the most cruel part of it all is having to put a smile on my face because I don't feel like I'm allowed to wallow in all this despair.
Having to smile and nod when inside no matter what is said to me, even with the best intentions, I know will not make me feel better. Or not for long anyway.

Sometimes you just get used to a certain kind of sadness.

I just want to travel the world so badly..

Sometimes you feel so worthless you just wanna stuff lots of food into your mouth and hope you choke to death. Yes.

Sometimes I feel like when you become a constant in someone's life, they begin to overlook your requests and needs because they seem to know you're always going to be there no matter how they neglect you..

2013 has gone into history! I can't believe that 2013 is already over and it's now 2014.