Miserable. I feel miserable. Twelve days. It isn't a long time in theory but when you're waiting for something twelve days is a long time. B's on the plane now. Probably sleeping. I miss him so badly and thinking about the following twelve days makes me panic a little. I really wish I could go to bed, wake up and have it be next Tuesday. At least five days feel a little less scary. Then I would go to bed, wake up and have it be next Sunday already. I wish I could go to bed and only wake up next Sunday to be honest. It's strange because twelve days isn't the longest time we've had to be apart. I think the longest was about sixteen or seventeen days. But I wasn't even so upset then. Maybe it's because that seventeen days wasn't anybody's choice, we could only go along with it because it had to be done. But these twelve days is different. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I feel left behind. I really feel left behind. I can't help but resent this. Resent everybody. I hate this. This is difficult for me. Nobody understands it. Not even him. To everybody else twelve days is just a few days, just a short period of time. But nobody sees that he's all the support I have. He's one of the two reasons I get out of bed everyday. The other reason being Patchie. But he's my pillar of support. These twelve days are a holiday to him. But for me it feels crippling. Nobody will ever understand how I feel. Now I feel like he's left me here while he goes to enjoy somewhere else. I can't help but resent that. I can't help but feel helpless. I try not to think about it but what do I do now? Nothing makes me feel better. I just want him to come back so everything can be okay again. I know it's selfish of me but I really don't know what to do without him. Feel like just keeping myself at home because I feel so depressed. I can't help it. Being alone has always been how I deal with things when I'm upset. Going out just emphasizes how lonely I feel, because I won't be going out with him and going home alone is something I dread so much, especially when it's dark outside after evenings. It's just difficult for me to deal with things on my own..